* I just wanted to pop a little disclaimer before you start to have a lil read that I am going to be mentioning a lot of my OCD triggers, I know that in the past, I have found it difficult to read what others go through as it would sometimes mirror onto myself, so i just wanted to let you know to forewarn you just incase x *
**If you would prefer to watch a video version of this post with more in depth about my OCD journey, I have a whole playlist uploaded on my youtube of previous OCD videos I have filmed, this is the link... https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8jW5x-QISE-nO2YXSW5sWg5X_I8FOli**
Chapter 1
I feel like I have been given the anti virus, the cure to the mental and soul destroying disease that is OCD. Never in all the years that I have suffered with OCD did i think the day would come where I could actually walk down the street and not be tormented by horrendous thoughts that my loved ones would be hurt if i didn't look at that leaf again. That something terrible would happen if i didn't pick up that piece of rubbish and put it in my pocket, that the feeling of not doing a compulsion (that's like someone is holding your eyes open and your wanting to blink type feeling) fades into nothing.
The earliest memory of OCD was when i was 8, lying in bed ready to fall asleep and not being able to close my eyes until i had opened them slowly and closed them slowly so many times that i lost count.
To describe the feeling would be like me trying to explain string theory (never gonna happen), but to come close... my mind kept telling me i didn't do it right and to do it again. This kept happening until, ''it felt right''. 2,3,4 minutes later i would get an urge to open my eyes and slowly close again, for reasons still unknown other than the fact it was the beginning of my OCD journey.
Cutting a very long story short, i went through the ages of 8-11 with tit-bits of OCD flooding in here and there which passed after time and little old me, just passed them as a memory.
When starting secondary school, boy oh boy wasn't that a new kettle of fish! After faking illness left right and centre to get me out of going to school that included headaches to belly aches that I was even given a scan for, to crying on the bus and running off into my moms arms. I then told a teaching assistant whilst hysterically crying outside my maths class about the traumas i was going through on a daily basis and telling someone lead me to being home schooled.
With Mike Tyson being lifted off my shoulders, my life felt lighter and more brighter. OCD triggers sifted through here and there but nothing compared to what i faced at school.
Upon turning 16, I got my first job working in a retail store called New Look. I stayed there for 3 years until after a collection of sick notes from the doctor enabled me to realise that i needed to leave that place and all the OCD dwelling there behind.
During my time at new look i did get referred to a therapist, which did help. But those sessions really only dealt with the struggles i was facing at that certain time.
I don't know if you find this but with my OCD, it changes. Over the years i have gone from counting to even numbers, rituals of tapping around the home, blinking, twitches, even more counting and so on. Since the age of i'd say 15, i haven't had any counting triggers. It has changed dramatically and significantly over the years, so the lessons I learnt from my therapist in 2012, don't really apply for me in 2019.
After many more jobs, many more heart achingly traumatising moments with my OCD, times that brought on panic attacks, times of suicidal thoughts, it was time to try medication.
Medication was never offered to me before when mentioning my OCD to my GP previously, maybe because of my young age at the time. But being the age of 21, i was able to make my own decision of asking for further help than what websites and therapists could do.
I spoke to a doctor after wiping the tears away that washed over me like when i first told someone about my OCD and she prescribed me with 10mg of Clomipramine.
This is a tablet for anxiety. In all of those years, i never knew anxiety was linked to OCD, but when being told this new information, it was like a light bulb turned on and i thought ''of course!'' it has everything to do with anxiety!! The palpitations i felt when i needed to reenact my compulsion, the tight chest and brain fog that hurled around when I had a horrendous thought come inside my head, the adrenaline i got when i had to climb up stair cases until i got cramp. This feeling of overwhelming terror was anxiety!
So these tablets were to help calm me down, which in turn would calm the feeling I got when I needed to repeat a compulsion, to calm my thoughts of panic down when the thought of a loved one would be hurt from not mopping the floor for the 5th time.
So these tablets were to help calm me down, which in turn would calm the feeling I got when I needed to repeat a compulsion, to calm my thoughts of panic down when the thought of a loved one would be hurt from not mopping the floor for the 5th time.
I noticed an immediate difference. But over time, i wondered what a higher dose would be like. I am now on 100mg. I noticed a huge difference at 50mg, but then moved home into a new lifestyle and routine and noticed old and new feelings, triggers coming back to greet (haunt) me again. So i spoke to my doctor again who prescribed me another 50mg and referred me to another specialist via the healthy minds service.
The doctors where i was to meet my specialist was a 10-15 minute bus journey. Dreading the journey thanks to joy of OCD triggers that filled the bus ride with so many outrageous thoughts and compulsions, i set off on a Wednesday morning to hopefully begin a new chapter. As cheesy as it sounds... the new Emilie chapter.
There i was sitting in front of a lady who had a comforting and thoughtful persona. A lady who looked like she was there for me and only me and was ready to start my journey off that very morning.
A lady called Jennifer.
I'm uploading the next 5 chapters for the next 5 days at 10am.
I would have popped it all in one post but it was sooooooo word heavy & I thought uploading a chapter daily might be easier to read & digest.
Thank you so so much taking the time out of your day to read my post.
I have been wanting to write a post about my OCD for a very long time but if you know anything at all about OCD, you will know how much information you can hold. It's so tricky to put it all into words sometimes and me being me, i do love to jabber sometimes haha!
Thank you so much again for reading and i do hope that this somewhat helped you or someone who you know. Even if it just gives you a little bit of hope that there could be a nugget of a cure out there for you to help you get through your journey.
Lots of love,
Emilie x
Here's my latest OCD uploaded to my channel...
A lady called Jennifer.
I'm uploading the next 5 chapters for the next 5 days at 10am.
I would have popped it all in one post but it was sooooooo word heavy & I thought uploading a chapter daily might be easier to read & digest.
Thank you so so much taking the time out of your day to read my post.
I have been wanting to write a post about my OCD for a very long time but if you know anything at all about OCD, you will know how much information you can hold. It's so tricky to put it all into words sometimes and me being me, i do love to jabber sometimes haha!
Thank you so much again for reading and i do hope that this somewhat helped you or someone who you know. Even if it just gives you a little bit of hope that there could be a nugget of a cure out there for you to help you get through your journey.
Lots of love,
Emilie x
Here's my latest OCD uploaded to my channel...
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