* I just wanted to pop a little disclaimer before you start to have a lil read that I am going to be mentioning a lot of my OCD triggers, I know that in the past, I have found it difficult to read what others go through as it would sometimes mirror onto myself, so i just wanted to let you know to forewarn you just incase x *
**If you would prefer to watch a video version of this post with more in depth about my OCD journey, I have a whole playlist uploaded on my youtube of previous OCD videos I have filmed, this is the link... https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8jW5x-QISE-nO2YXSW5sWg5X_I8FOli**
Our first session we spoke a little about myself. It's quite tricky to come up with facts about yourself when a lot of the time you look back on past memories and OCD just tends to bombard them all.
After a couple more sessions where Jennifer listened intently to my life stories and experiences, whilst writing down a list of my daily triggers, thoughts and compulsions, we began to deal with them.
With help from my husband, i look at life in a very logical way. Which is quite the contrary to OCD. I love to do things that are efficient, wether it's when i clean or put my makeup on, i love doing it in a way that is logical. It could be about a certain topic in the news and both me and Richard (the other piece of my heart & who I love intently. Quick grab your sick buckets!) will discuss things and put the world to right (in our own opinion) with our logical way of thinking haha.
I began to realise that because of this way of thinking, i was noticing more of an impact from what Jennifer and I discussed in our sessions. A click of a switch went off inside me where i just thought, OMG of course. Why am I doing this? What am i achieving from doing this? It won't change a thing, it doesn't mean anything, it's out of my control...
During the times of my thoughts, compulsions, triggers, I knew they were silly. In the back of my mind i knew that just because i looked at that piece of paper and thought of a memory that, that memory wouldn't really be deleted and kept in a place i don't want it to be but after many years of thinking and feeling this, it does becomes so real to you. I knew that touching something 8, 10, 12 times wouldn't be achieving anything other than a split second of relief.
But something about relaying it to someone i had only met a few times before, hearing from her lips too that yes, these things are just thoughts, just made a momentous impact on me.
Sometimes, things Jennifer mentioned, i remembered from my last therapy course. I realised in those moments that those sessions in 2012 was not wasted time, they were helpful at the time and could be helpful for my future. A building block to my current sessions.
Heart clinchingly, my Dad passed away when i was 13. I spoke briefly about this to my therapist at the time when i was doing my first round of therapy sessions when i was 18.
The therapist would sometimes bring it up but i always tried to shift away from this as i believed people thought i had OCD because of this experience I had gone through losing my Dad. I used to say to ones who thought this that no, my OCD has got nothing to do with it, I had it when i was 8 well before this happened.
I went into my new sessions with an open mind. To discuss everything. To allow everything a chance of a could be. We spoke about my Dad. We spoke about my Mom, Richard, brothers, uncles, the next door neighbour, the man across the street, nieces, nephews, friends.
And more importantly, we spoke about the feeling of responsibility.
And more importantly, we spoke about the feeling of responsibility.
Even though, going through the hardest point in my OCD where leaving my apartment wasn't becoming an option anymore and being so ready to be open to anything being spoken about, I still wondered why 'responsibility' had anything to do with me and my OCD. I wondered why we would discuss this, is this really going to help? But, once again i left that room after this session a new woman.
How had I not thought about this before???
That i felt responsible for the intrusive thoughts and if i didn't act upon deleting the, I would be responsible?? We went onto talking for example about plug sockets. I had so many concerns and compulsions that if i didn't turn them off, something bad would happen. We discussed what would happen and my logical and realistic way of thinking came into play and realised, well nothing would happen. OK a little bit of electricity might be used ( and the £'s might be adding up ) but nothing that would cause anybody harm, which was my fear.
Jennifer then went onto discussing IF something were to happen. Would it be my fault? Am i responsible? Have i caused this to happen? What could i have done to stop it?
IF something were to happen, the likely chances were that something in the 'electrical side of things' were going wrong. Nothing i would know about. Nothing i could do that would stop/change from happening. Nothing my compulsions or thoughts could change. I WOULD NOT BE RESPONSIBLE!!
This flooded into pretty much EVERY SINGLE THING MY OCD WAS BASED ON. Every thought i had, every intrusive soul destroying thought i had was now suppressed by the realisation that I was not responsible for this. It was literally life changing.
There i was sat in a room with Jennifer, questioning why she would base a whole session on responsibility. That session alone changed my whole life.
I would have popped it all in one post but it was sooooooo word heavy & I thought uploading a chapter daily might be easier to read & digest. So I've added all chapters to my dropdown menu under lifestyle, where you can find all chapters inside <3
Thank you so so much taking the time out of your day to read my post.
I have been wanting to write a post about my OCD for a very long time but if you know anything at all about OCD, you will know how much information you can hold. It's so tricky to put it all into words sometimes and me being me, i do love to jabber sometimes haha!
Thank you so much again for reading and i do hope that this somewhat helped you or someone who you know. Even if it just gives you a little bit of hope that there could be a nugget of a cure out there for you to help you get through your journey.
Lots of love,
Emilie x
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